SWF

OK, I'm gonna delve into the subject of online dating sites. Not that I know a lot about the subject mind you, but what I do know about it, from my friend "D." I thought I would check it out. And here is what I have found, or should I say, what I haven't found!

My friend and I, being that we both were in the situation of being single at the exact time, kinda like the sun and the moon just lined up at the right time. JEEZ! She said, "let's try one of those online dating sites!" I was reluctant at first, but then I thought, oh what the heck, this might be interesting. After all, haven't we all seen the ads on TV where the very attractive couple met, fell in love and thus got married? Why not! This could be us someday!

So, I did the profile thing. Trying to think of something interesting to write about myself. Good grief, it's kinda like sitting across from a potential employer and them asking you what your flaws are, like I wanna tell you that?! This was just as hard to try to sell myself, like a whole plucked chicken hanging in a window at Chinatown! Then it said, "your chances of getting responses improves when you post a picture of yourself." Now, I have to admit, this really freaked me out. Do I really want to put a picture of myself on here with the chance of everyone I know finding me on here? I felt like I was putting a naked picture of me on there. For now, I thought, I will forgo the picture. To my surprise, the next day when I logged on, there were a couple of e-mails in my "inbox." Now, my first thought after reading these responses was, why would you want to meet someone that you have no idea what I look like? And of course, there wasn't a profile picture of them, either. So, I didn't write back, because, after all, I AM not going to talk to a guy that I don't know what he looks like, I have standards you know!

Then it seems the e-mails died as fast as they were coming in. So, I broke down and posted a picture. After all, my girlfriend was getting hits all day long! So the picture went up and OMG! You would think that it was the running of the bulls in Spain! And that in itself opened up another set of problems. You see, on this particular web site, if you click on the picture of the person that "winked" at you, he then gets a notification that you have "viewed" him thus, giving the poor smuck the idea that you must be interested! It's a vicious circle! One guy actually sent me a message, the time was 2 AM that read, "hello gorgeous, tell me where to meet you in Raymore in the morning and I will meet you for breakfast!"

OK, let's see, it's 2 AM, and this loser is probably sending this message out to probably no less than 10 women, hoping that line will snag one woman hungry enough to take him up on it. I seriously thought about writing him back, at 8 AM, and telling him to meet me in Archie, and saying: "you'll know it's me, I'll have on the low cut red dress with the fishnet stockings and stiletto heals." When I didn't write him back, he sent me another message, this time degrading me because I said in my profile that I liked NASCAR. He actually said, "well, if you would insist on taking to me a NASCAR race, we'd have to stop at a bar so I could drink enough to enjoy it." I couldn't believe what I was reading! So, seeing that he liked basketball, I wrote him back saying that I would rather have all my toenails ripped out and replaced with toothpicks shoved in their place! The nerve of this creep! So I blocked him. Cool. You can do that. OR report someone. Now that's a scary thought. What if someone reported me? What would happen? The Internet police would show up at my door? Take away my Internet dating privileges?

Well, this is getting pretty long, but I would like to add some of the misrepresentations that I have come across in my search for my soul mate:

"I'm divorced" which means: but that doesn't mean I'm not married!

"I'm average build" which means: I'm fat.

"I'm Mediterranean" which means: I'm black.

"My friends say I'm outgoing" which means: I never stop taking about my lameassself!

The list goes on and on. And here are some of the things they write about themselves that I found humorous:

"I give back rubs." Great! If your a professional masseuse!

"I want to be with someone who's my best friend" Hey, I have plenty of best friends, that's not why I signed up for this!

"No game players!" I play chess, does that count me out??

"I know how to treat a woman/man." Then why in the hell are you on a dating website you jackass?

"I love watching sunsets on the beach" Now, hey that's unique, isn't it?

So, there you go, that's MY take on the whole online dating thing. My advice to anyone would be: put an unflattering picture of yourself on the site, but be totally honest and see what you get from all the people that say "beauty means nothing to me, it's what's inside that matters."

Yea right, you might as well fart and ask the person next to you to determine what you had for lunch.

As for me. I prefer to remain: SWF.