Mr.Rightleft

I am thankful for.......

2009-11-24T15:11:00.000-08:00

In 2 days it will be Thanksgiving. Time with family, friends, pets, and maybe a few undesirables. But hey, who doesn't have a few in their family?

If your family is like mine, it has seen it's share of changes over the years. Some have left on their own accord ( or with some help!) and others have sadly passed on. I really look forward to Thanksgiving. When the kids get to sit at the card table in the family room. When the good dishes all come out. It is a great holiday to just let it all go and dive right into gluttony. I have learned over the years to wear clothes that expand with your ever ballooning gut and be sure to wear socks with no holes.

I've learned not to sit in my brother, the Trash Natzi's brown recliner, or to complain about lumpy mashed potato's unless I made them! It is also a time to let the TV blast loudly away so all the old folk can hear the Chiefs or whatever lame football game is playing. Hell, I might even play cards this year!

So, whatever traditions or mishaps you may encounter this Thanksgiving, just remember the family members that are no longer with us, and the family and friends that are. Remember to thank the host and hostess. And in my family, always remember to let Steve take the trash out.

Oh yea, what does this picture have to do with Thanksgiving? Absolutely nothing. That's how I roll.

What keeps me busy....

2009-10-28T09:29:00.000-07:00

These are my three dawgs, Vega the Boxer, Baxter the ratalian (Italian Greyhound/Rat Terrier) and Piper my new little Basset puppy.

If they were the chipmunks, Baxter would surely be Alvin.

He's always up to something!

FaceValue?

2009-07-23T10:23:00.000-07:00

Let's consider the phenomenon that is Facebook for a moment, shall we? I've been exploring it latley and quite enjoy it. Thanks to Facebook, I now know that Jeff went golfing this weekend (and had a WONDERFUL time). Dianne is not liking the weather. Jeremy is now in a relationship and Sue just became single again. That is something that I don't understand: putting your relationship status on Facebook. I know of a friend that was dating a guy, and week #1, my updates told me that on Monday, Deb was so looking forward to the weekend! Tuesday-3 more days till the weekend and I can see Charles! Wednesday-hump day! We talk every night! Thursday - Friday tommorrow, YEA! Friday - Deb is now listed as single. There ya go, the whole world now knows your whirlwind love life thanks to Facebook. And how can someone have 4,653 friends?! Really? It seems to be a status thing to see who has the most friends. I feel left out only having 84.
Then there's Facebook Farm Town! I am totally addicted to Farm Town!
Facebook Farm Town is virtual gardening. This application is wonderful! Grow your own little garden and raise farm animals. Sell crops at market. Work at your friends farm. It literally keeps you coming back because if you don't, your crops will die! I know, I know, get a life girl! Anybody can have a Facebook page. A certain cause or organization can have a Facebook page. Heck, even your dog can have a Facebook page. I was thinking of letting Baxter have his own page, but he'd probably turn out to be a better farmer than me!
I can say, however, that Facebook has put me in touch with alot of old school friends, which is great! Now you can see how former classmates have changed over the years and all the vacations they've been on and all about their kids' life too. It all depends on how much info you want to put out there.
Then there's the birthday thing. I'm thinking about changing my birthdate from January to August to see how many friends put me on their calendar and see who will send me birthday greetings. Heck, someone might even buy me a cake! Sweet!
Well, better get to work, I think my crops need watering!

Old School

2009-06-18T11:03:00.000-07:00

Remember the good old days? When kids had the good sense to know how to play with the toys that were given to us? Here are a few of my favorites that I think are gone because they"might pose hazardous to children."

This one was my favorite! The Creepy Crawler oven set! This is how it worked: you plugged in the oven part, and yes, this baby got hot, just ask my niece Kary. She was about 3 at the time and always a real pain for me, so I asked her to touch the burner to see if it was ready for me to bake my creepy concoction. When she wouldn't comply with my request, I proceeded to grab her little hand and put her finger on it. Yep. Her high pitched-blood curdling scream told me that it was ready! So you pour this solution in the metal forms, place the little handle on it, have to use the little metal handle so you don't get burnt! Then you waited, usually when it started smoking and smelling bad, you knew it was done. Then you pick your little creature creation out with yet another special tool, and viola! You have creepy crawlers! I loved this toy! Kary.....not so much!

Oh man! Little green Army men! My brothers had a whole box of these! Sometimes, they would even let me play with them. They would hide them around in the grass and trees and then they got real creative and started burning them! Wow! They were sooooooo cool melting! Then my dad would find them with the lawn mower. Not so cool.

Weren't these the funnest thing! Clacker Balls! Not much skill to this, other than trying not to break them and have the balls shatter into a million pieces and take your eye out, or worse, behead you! Awwwwww, the innocence of youth.

Poor kids today are missing out on the Wham-O! You hooked your hose up to the clown head, turned on the faucet and, wham-o! The hat would blast into the air and you had a water party!
Now, this was really nothing more than just your average water sprinkler but this was better! This creepy clown was probably the inspiration for Stephen King's "It." Too bad it was taken off the market but, inevitably, you knew some kid wanted a top view of the projectile hat. Dumb kid. Probably lost an eye and ruined it for the next generation!

Hey! Remember the Sit and Spin? Should have really been called the "Sit and Puke." What great mind-bending, nauseating excitement! You would sit down on a spinning disk that had a stationary handle and spin around and around. What you really discovered was what it's like to be drunk without the booze!

And now, this last one really makes me sick to my stomach! I had all, yes, all FOUR of the Beatle Bobble-Head dolls! Do you have any idea what they're worth today! LOTS! And so now, I'm going to find some old yard darts and stab myself in the head with them!

Tung-Ti!

2009-06-09T18:00:00.000-07:00

Here's poem for all my Japanese friends: それが私の思考の外のこの冷たい凍るすべての開始時。そしてバックアップを再度始めるとき、日本語のすべてある*によって

Bet you didn't know I knew Japanese. Bet you also didn't know I had Japanese friends.

Neither did I.

Mirror, Mirror on thy wall............

2009-06-09T17:18:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had this happen to you? Someone comes up to you and says "you look just like a friend of mine I knew college!" by the name of--Suzy Pfister . Later that day, someone else came up to me and told me the same thing, I looked like a co-worker of hers. Years later, another person came up to me and told me that I looked like a girl they knew---Suzy Pfister. So soon, it's happening regularily. I'm at a barbecue at a friends and an old man hobbles up to me and says, "dear, you look just like my granddaughter, Suzy Pfister." 8 or 9 of my close friends are friends with her and they all agree, the similarities are there. I have people come up to me at work and tell me about this girl, Suzy, who I am just the spitting image of. My friend, Tami, is in one of her classes in university, a girl at the church went to school with her in grade two, a friend from Grandview worked with her at camp last year... it has been SIX YEARS since I first started hearing of this girl. I now live in the same city as her, and have yet to see her! Until today. I'm driving to Chunky Town with Tami in the passenger seat, and I look over at the vehicle beside me. There's this girl in the driver's seat, blonde hair, green eyes. I punch Tami, "hey..is that..." she freaks out, knowing the ginormosity of this moment: "SUZY! It's her!!"
I don't look a thing like her.

Lost and Found

2009-06-04T15:50:00.000-07:00

Found: a pair of old blue jeans on the corner of Grope and Priss.

If they are yours, you should go put them back on; no one wants to see your

bum, or underoos.

Dirty streaker!

Weeeeeeee!

2009-05-26T20:38:00.000-07:00

A Catholic priest I once knew went to the hospital to visit patients. Stopping at the nurses station, he carefully looked over the patient roster and jotted down the room number of everyone who had "Cath" written boldly next to his name. That, he told me, was a big mistake. When I asked why, he replied, "It was only after I had made the rounds that I learned they were all patients with catheters."

The reason for the above joke is, my sister that I have not written about in this blog, I think is feeling alittle bit left out. After all, I have written about her husband Ricky, real name Eric. My brother the trash natzi and his amazing wife, the garage sale queen. My sister's daughter Kary, the multi-tasker, Boobilicious her daughter and even my daughter Ky. Hell, I've even written about my dog Baxter but not my sister!

My sister has always been the "rock" of the family. The one that we all went to for advice. The one that we went to for her to always break the bad news to dad about. So, you see, it's pretty hard to write about someone that has always had their shit together, you know what I mean? Damn her!

But right now she has a "little friend" that's been trailing her around for, oh, a couple of days now. His name is Foley, as in Foley Catheter!!!! You see, she's had some surgery, some of that dreaded you-really-don't-want-to-talk-about- it-female-surgery. And had to come home with little friend Foley.

I told her to draw a happy face on Foley. I mean, since you have to push him around with you and sleep with him, hell, you might as well get real chummy with him and name him! Put a face on it! Relate!

Today Ricky took sis and Foley to Sonic. Picture this, my sister in a hospital gown, and we all know how attractive those are!! In the car, with Foley sitting next to her. Thank God Foley didn't explode! Can you imagine your tator tots tasting like wee?

I really hope when she goes back to the doctor's office to "remove" Foley from her person, she asks the doctor if she can keep him. She could always fill him full of hot water and use him as a hot water bottle. She could possibly even put cold water in him use him for a sprain. Since they live at the lake, she could even use him for a floatation device. The possibilities are endless when you think about it.

But, if you think about it too much, I think she just might want to "detach" herself from Foley and remember him for what he truly was, a dirty little wee bag!

Pat, Pat, bo-back, Banana-fana fo fat, Fee-fi mo-mat. Pat!

2009-05-22T21:34:00.000-07:00

Now I'm quite sure that everyone has picked up and gazed through one of those "Baby Names, and their Meaning" books before and no doubt turned to the page where their name is to see what the meaning is. I actually think those books are quite dull & boring, and NEVER accurate, so....I thought I would come up with my own little blog of names and what they mean:

The actual faces have been changed to protect me from getting my ass sued!

Alissa: Short & cute but smells. Laughs like a demented dog. Has a chicken brain. Picks her nose and eats it. Collects rocks.

Likes bananas. Bow legged. Doesn't do laundry. Eats shrimp shells. Is a traitor.

Eric: Usually short and very horny. Watches cartoons. Cheats at everything. Looks better with the light off.

Drools. Sings welsh songs. Chews with mouth open.

Likes to wear women's pantyhose.

Kary: Acts the good girl but likes it rough all the time. Willing to do anything for a dollar. Shags like a locomotive. Usually big boned.

Wanna be diva, more of a diver. Has a moustache.

Kylie: Drinks pints. Chicks dig her. Shaves her back.

Thick ankles. Can't sit still. Doesn't like to use utensils. Smells musty.
Moley. Always has sticky fingers.

Matt: Dirty lady of the night. Plays with knives. Can't drive. Usually found hanging around toilets. Thinks everyone likes him but doesn't. Likes to eat wild boar. Butt ugly.

Monica: BIG boned. Wees standing up. Can swallow oranges whole. Smells of chips. Stupid as hell. Hairy knuckles. Hates little kids. Steals neighbors mail.

Possibly a man.

Pat: Thinks she's Micky Mouse. Eyes too close together. Looks like the back of a bus. Really hairy ears. Can fart the National Anthem. Has buck teeth.

Steve: Always constipated. Secret Masturbator. Greasy face. Wees in the bathtub. A carrier if diseases. Hair style more important than oxygen. Can't drive. Pulls wings off bugs.

Wanda: Mean to animals. Looks for food under cushions. Likes to trip people. Picks her toenails. Wears a mohawk. Muscular. Secretly likes women. Has bad ear wax. Burps always stink.

So there you have it.
Don't look for my book coming out anytime soon.
I'm sure that some people, after reading this will hunt me down and break my typing fingers!

Beam me up, Scottie, PLEASE!

2009-05-17T19:26:00.000-07:00

Yes, folks, time to write about the fam again. Seems whenever we all get together there is never a dull moment. My sister and her husband, Ricky came in town from the lake to see grandson #3 graduate this weekend. Nothing funny about that you say, well.....probably will be one of those 'you had to be there to get the jest of it' kind of story.

We had plans to meet on Sunday for lunch, so to make a long story longer, somebody got the plans all screwed up, and I think that someone was the amazing sister-in-law! Were we suppose to meet at Gordman's or the restaurant? Was I picking her up or was the trash natzi bringing her? What a cluster! And then Kary, the multi-tasker I mentioned in another blog called and I was REALLY confused after that conversation! Finally we got it figured out and met at Gordman's, for some much needed shopping in which Ricky sat outside the dressing room while "boobilicious," [God love her!] tried on clothes. If any of us walked near Ricky, he yelled '10 minutes we're outta here!' Yea, right Rick, and we just kept on our merry shopping spree. So then we met up with the trash natzi at O'Charley's for lunch. Getting a table for eight, on a Sunday afternoon, after all the blue hairs get out of church is like trying to herd cats! Anyways, while we were sitting and waiting for our table for eight, for what seemed like hours and hours, Mrs. Amazing asked the hostess how much longer and the hostess said "your the table of eleven?" No! We're eight! oh...just a few minutes, anyways, this Little old lady came over to where we were sitting and asked us if anyone has seen her hearing aide that fell out of her ear. My niece thought we were looking for an ear ring, Ricky was tearing up the seat cushions like Roseanne Barr on a cheetos hunt to no avail, sorry lady, no hearing aide here, move on! So after going though another round of 'no! we're the party of eight, NOT ELEVEN!" we finally get seated. OK, folks, this is by no means meant to insult anyone or gender or whatever, but our waitress/waiter came to take our order and, well, Lisa had a 5:00 shadow, blue eye shadow, no boobs and big hands with fake fingernails! Ricky was sitting there with his mouth opened and trash natzi had the oddest look on his face! He and I both had the same thought that Lisa's name was probably Larry at one time, or still is. Lisa sounded very much like Julia Child on acid. Larry looked like Julie Child on acid.

So, after that shock wore off we get on the conversation of aliens, OK, see where this ties into together??? No? Neither do we.

So Ricky said he and my sister saw some "extratestricules" once. What! Extra testicles? Yea, that's what we saw! Bright flashing lights that took off in a 90 degree angle and the poof! Gone! OKEY DOKEY............Rick.

Well, more conversation pursued, and then we saw the manager outside looking for the little old lady's hearing aide on the side walk! Poor lady. We decided that if we found the hearing aide, we were going to keep it and give it to Ricky and see if it helped with his hearing! So, as lunch was wrapping up, my brother, the trash natzi was busy stacking plates and wadding the napkins up in an orderly fashion so Larry, I mean Lisa wouldn't have a problem picking them up. After all, we wouldn't want a girl to break a nail! Kary was at the end of the table multi-tasking, talking on the cell and counting money. Boobilicious was texting somebody, anybody. My amazing sister-in-law discovered that the service charge on the tickets we got had the tip already included! The nerve! In a cheesy restuarant like O'Charley's!!! Shoot! The butter wasn't even the honey-butter we loved so much! And my sister and I just looked at eachother and smiled. What a wonderful day with the fam we were thinking.

It's a great day in the neighborhood!

2009-05-13T18:06:00.000-07:00

Had a garage sale last weekend with my amazing sister-in-law. I must say this is an annual event that I quite look forward to every year. Why you ask? Because, if you have never HAD a garage sale, or yard sale, then you just don't know what you are missing! First, there's the hours and hours that you pour into getting your soon-to-be-discarded treasures ready. You agonize over how much you should put on that electric hot dog cooker that your aunt Betty gave you for your first wedding, or that inside-the-shell electric egg scrambler that you thought you couldn't live without! I can't even tell you how many times I had to call the sister-in-law for her to give me a heads up on what to price my gems! She is, after all, the master of garage sale bargains! Then you place the add in the local paper. Of course you list the times, but it doesn't really matter, you can bet that these garage sale connoisseur's will show up an hour before your ready to get your stuff to the yard! Then the party begins!!!! You have the ones that spend a lot of time picking up, fondling and walking around with a bunch of stuff, then you get your hopes high, only to have them put it all down and leave. And then there's the one's that walk around criticizing the quality, condition, color, size, quantity, price and anything else about the merchandise. Good lord! This is a garage sale not Nordstroms! And boy, will they barter for a price cut! So, your once precious tuna can drainer has been reduced to a mere 50 cents!

I've been to several garage sales myself and I have seen some pretty weird stuff for sale. Here is some things that I found on the Internet that have actually been for sale at garage sales:

Now, this little gem must have been pretty hard to part with.

Not only was it probably hard to part with, but I would bet that

someone's dreams went out the window when someone snatched

this up!

There's never a shortage of bicycles for sale, but this thing kinda dumbfounds me. I guess if you bought this, they could say they caught you coming and going?

And who hasn't seen telephones for sale at garage sales! Yes, good ole' Ma Bell herself would be rolling over in her grave if she knew her beloved "lips phone" was just $1.50!!!!

And yes, I have saved the best for last.........no, I myself have never seen one of these for sale at a garage sale, but this is an actual casket for sale at a garage sale. Do you think someone bothered to ask if it was used? Wonder what the rock bottom dollar was for it? No pun intended!

And I can't end without mentioning the old biddy in the blue recliner! My nephew put his beloved blue recliner up for grabs at a bargain price of just $5.00! (now, we all know how hard it is for a man to part with their recliner!) But his senses took over and he did. So, this crabby old lady showed up, and of course walked around and around, checking out the goods, sat down in the recliner for awhile then preceded to leave, I might add without purchasing anything! So as she and her granddaughter were leaving, the kid wanted to buy a hot dog that my amazing sister-in-law was serving up for yet another bargain price of $1.50, so the old biddy yelled from her car that 'she was not going to pay a dollar-fifty for a hot dog!' Well! I'll have you know, these hot dogs were not made with an electric hot dog maker! I think she should have purchased the boob jar because that is exactly what she was! A big fat boob!

Oh yea, I might mention that my nephew's blue recliner did not sale, so if your interested, you can call him at 816-867-5309.

EH?????

2009-05-04T20:41:00.001-07:00

THIS...... .....was definitely the scene at the fam's house this weekend! This is my brother-in-law, Eric. I call him Ricky. I don't think he realizes that I call him Ricky for that matter!

Anyways, my brother, his wife and I went to the Lake of the Ozarks this weekend for a car show that my brother had his car in and we always stay at my sister and her husband, Ricky's house. ( I might add that my brother's car got 1st place in his class! Congrats Steve, the trash natzi!!)

Holy Moly! Ricky can't hear! Now, I am by no means making fun of him. This cartoon just depicts what it is like. My sis-in-law and I actually put tissue paper in our ears. My sister looked at us like we had 6 heads between us! We looked at her like her head was missing!

But seriously, Eric has what is called Tinnitus: (pronounced /tɪˈnaɪtəs/ or /ˈtɪnɪtəs/,[1] from the Latin word tinnītus meaning "ringing"[2]) is the perception of sound within the human ear in the absence of corresponding external sound. I really can't imagine what this would be like. He said the doctor told him that getting a hearing aide would make it worse. That is, it would amplify the sound around him and making it painful. How awful that must be. Actually, Ricky might just be exercising "selective hearing." Probably was with me, my sister and sister-in-law all in the same room! We have been known to get alittle crazy when we get together. I think trash natzi is going to be needing a hearing aide pretty soon, too at least that's what his wife says. Kinda makes you wonder.........what's in that ear anyways???? Eh.?

Real Men of Genius

2009-04-20T18:26:00.000-07:00

Thought I'd write something about all the great things that men do, think, and invent.
Can't explain what made me think about this to be honest, just another blond thing that popped into my head. One of the most amazing things I think man has come up with is naugahide, or is it naugahyde? A marketing campaign of the 1960s and 1970s asserted humorously that naugahyde was obtained from the shed skin of an animal known as a "Nauga"; the claim became a popular urban myth.[1] The campaign emphasized that, unlike other animals, which must typically be slaughtered to obtain their hides, Naugas can shed their skin without harm to themselves. Only a man could of thought of that!

Here are some other great things that man has invented:

How about this one ladies! Isn't this how you want your man to look sitting right next to you at that hockey game you tried to get out of and now definitely wished you had!

Oh here's another one worthy of mentioning!

Didn't we all have to play this vexatious game at the college parties, and the bars and anywhere else man could find a flat surface worthy of this game from the gods to get us drunk and score! The game that brought herpes simplex 1 to an all time high!
Now we can enjoy this wonderful sport in the comfort of our very own living room!

I'm almost speechless about this

one! Wouldn't this towel look lovely hanging in the bathroom when your parents come to dinner!

Aah, I'm quite sure my brother, the trash natzi has one of these............

Well, I looked high and low for one of those

pens that has a little "peek hole" on the side of it

and when you looked inside it, low and behold! There's a naked woman in there! My oldest brother had one of these and I kiped it from his room and took it to school. I was a big hit with the boys, that was until Mrs. No-Neck confiscated it from me! But sadly I couldn't find one so this is the next best thing I could could find, a massage pen! What a wonderous invention! Just what I needed after a day of pruning my garden and weed eating! A magical little massage pen to take me where calgon couldn't reach!

Who needs a Tums or a Zanex when you have fart gum? Yes, just pop some of this in your mouth and let-er-rip!

Oh, you say this is a gag? Yea, just what I want to do, pull a fast one on someone at the party and reap the benefits of my own joke! Yes, folks, they just keep on coming!

Well, I guess if you have to do it, you might as well invent something to make it more enjoyable!

Oh yea, little humping-boner dog! Just wind him up and watch him go to town! He's the life of the party! What every man secretly wishes he could be doing !

Actually, I don't what to say about this
because I don't quite know what it is, other

than something that man has invented to give more power to something, thus causing a power outage or worse yet, burning your house down!

Ok, I'll probably get a lot of grief from the men about this one!
I can hear it now, " but we invented this for you ladies so your hair won't get wet!" Oh thank you so much! My arms and hands will thank you later while my hair is looking sooooo like your hat hair head!
Just because YOU want to wear a rainbow wig to a football game doesn't give you the right to invent some sort of rainbow colored contraption to adorn my head!

And, I saved the best for last.................................

I guess what I really want to know about this one is, 'did the guy
that invented beach balls get really bored one day and come up with this?' I think this is sicker than a blow up doll! Come on fellas, cut us some slack!

And last but not least, I give you THE LEG LAMP!
Some little thang that goes oh so good with that giant recliner that takes you and all of your poker buddies to move around the living room and only comes in the most appealing velour colors of brown, light brown, tan, chocolate and "taupe" for us ladies, thank you!

Ok, lights out!

PEEP SHOW!

2009-04-12T08:11:00.000-07:00

How Did the Rabbit Bounce into Easter? As a kid growing up, it was never any problem for me to believe that the Easter Bunny was supposed to come at Easter, or for that matter, Santa Claus was supposed to come at Christmas. Moreover, as a somewhat inquisitive child, I never questioned how or
why the Easter Bunny played into a religious holiday. However, again, as a "somewhat" normal child, I refused to rock the boat. Or rather, should I say, rock the candy basket! Before the internet came into the picture, I was way too lazy to make any investigations on my own. Now as an internet user, it took me just a matter of minutes to discover the answers of how the EasterBunny and Easer Eggs fit into the big picture of Easter. I also discovered why Easter is never the same time each year. How the date for Easter is determined first, the phase of the moon is what determines the traditional Jewish calendar. Therefore, when the Christians were trying to decide which day to set for Easter, they referred back to the traditional Jewish calendar to determine this. Easter will fall on the first Sunday after the full moon after the date of March 21st. March 21st is the vernal equinox, or simply put, it is the day that daylight and darkness are equal as the days start getting longer. If the full moon happens to appear on a Sunday, then Easter will be the following Sunday. How the Easter Bunny fits as research goes, there is no religious reason why the rabbit came at Easter. Symbolically, the rabbit is a powerful symbol of fertility and new life. Thus, Easter was an excellent opportunity to bring in the symbolism of the rabbit. And of course, the Easter Bunny, like Santa Claus, is a favorite among the children. History of Easter eggs: the ancient Egyptians used to decorate Easter eggs and give them to others, as a means of showing friendship. In Mesopotamia, Christians exchanged decorated eggs, as a remembrance of the resurrection of Christ.
The precise origin of the ancient custom of coloring eggs is not known. Many eastern Christians this day typically dye their Easter eggs red, the color of blood, in recognition of the renewal of life in springtime (and, later, the blood of the sacrificed Christ). Some also use the color green, in honor of the new foliage emerging after the long dead time of winter.

The idea of an egg-laying bunny came to the U.S. in the 18th century. German immigrants in the Pennsylvania Dutch area told their children about the "Osterhas," sometimes spelled "Oschter Haws." "Hase" means "hare," not rabbit, and in Northwest European folklore the "Easter Bunny" indeed is a hare, not a rabbit. According to the legend, only good children received gifts of colored eggs in the nests that they made in their caps and bonnets before Easter. In 1835, Jakob Grimm wrote of long-standing similar myths in Germany itself. Noting many related landmarks and customs, Grimm suggested that these derived from legends of Ostara.

So.............................if your as confused about all of this as I am and even took time out of your day your read this rubbish, than I thank you. But for now, I'm going to find a chocolate rabbit and bite his little tiny head off!

RoseannRosannaKy

2009-04-05T08:18:00.000-07:00

Remember her from Saturday Night Live? I loved Roseann Roseanna Danna! And then I found this picture of my daughter and thought, wow, there's a resemblance there! She's gonna kill me when she sees this, but hey, she's mad at me most of the time anyways...............

I was just thinking the other day about how kids are always "patrolling" us, their parents. When they are in grade school, they teach them that smoking and drinking is bad for you, so whenever Ky would see me with a drink in my hand, she just knew I was doing a bad, bad thing and was on my way to a drunken stupor! She never took her eyes off me. They also teach them that a parent can't hit them also. Boy, did I hear alot, "if you spank me, I'm gonna tell the teacher and they will come and take you away!" To which I replied: "no, they will come and take YOU away and when your looking back at me from the car, I will be waving to you and saying 'have a nice life in Social Services!'" But, in all fairness, I guess my siblings and I did it to our mom also. At 70 years old we thought she finally gave up smoking, only to find that she would slip off to a bathroom or the garage to grab a toke, like we couldn't smell it! But we still gave her a bad time and never gave in, we didn't want to make it easy for her to smoke after all. So, I guess it's all because we care about that person. Well, I only have one shot at someone taking care of me when I get older, so Ky after reading this, will you still patrol me into my golden, olden years? Yep, just what I thought! Just like Roseann Roseanna Danna always said, "are you crazy or something!"

SWF

2009-03-31T17:40:00.000-07:00

OK, I'm gonna delve into the subject of online dating sites. Not that I know a lot about the subject mind you, but what I do know about it, from my friend "D." I thought I would check it out. And here is what I have found, or should I say, what I haven't found!

My friend and I, being that we both were in the situation of being single at the exact time, kinda like the sun and the moon just lined up at the right time. JEEZ! She said, "let's try one of those online dating sites!" I was reluctant at first, but then I thought, oh what the heck, this might be interesting. After all, haven't we all seen the ads on TV where the very attractive couple met, fell in love and thus got married? Why not! This could be us someday!

So, I did the profile thing. Trying to think of something interesting to write about myself. Good grief, it's kinda like sitting across from a potential employer and them asking you what your flaws are, like I wanna tell you that?! This was just as hard to try to sell myself, like a whole plucked chicken hanging in a window at Chinatown! Then it said, "your chances of getting responses improves when you post a picture of yourself." Now, I have to admit, this really freaked me out. Do I really want to put a picture of myself on here with the chance of everyone I know finding me on here? I felt like I was putting a naked picture of me on there. For now, I thought, I will forgo the picture. To my surprise, the next day when I logged on, there were a couple of e-mails in my "inbox." Now, my first thought after reading these responses was, why would you want to meet someone that you have no idea what I look like? And of course, there wasn't a profile picture of them, either. So, I didn't write back, because, after all, I AM not going to talk to a guy that I don't know what he looks like, I have standards you know!

Then it seems the e-mails died as fast as they were coming in. So, I broke down and posted a picture. After all, my girlfriend was getting hits all day long! So the picture went up and OMG! You would think that it was the running of the bulls in Spain! And that in itself opened up another set of problems. You see, on this particular web site, if you click on the picture of the person that "winked" at you, he then gets a notification that you have "viewed" him thus, giving the poor smuck the idea that you must be interested! It's a vicious circle! One guy actually sent me a message, the time was 2 AM that read, "hello gorgeous, tell me where to meet you in Raymore in the morning and I will meet you for breakfast!"

OK, let's see, it's 2 AM, and this loser is probably sending this message out to probably no less than 10 women, hoping that line will snag one woman hungry enough to take him up on it. I seriously thought about writing him back, at 8 AM, and telling him to meet me in Archie, and saying: "you'll know it's me, I'll have on the low cut red dress with the fishnet stockings and stiletto heals." When I didn't write him back, he sent me another message, this time degrading me because I said in my profile that I liked NASCAR. He actually said, "well, if you would insist on taking to me a NASCAR race, we'd have to stop at a bar so I could drink enough to enjoy it." I couldn't believe what I was reading! So, seeing that he liked basketball, I wrote him back saying that I would rather have all my toenails ripped out and replaced with toothpicks shoved in their place! The nerve of this creep! So I blocked him. Cool. You can do that. OR report someone. Now that's a scary thought. What if someone reported me? What would happen? The Internet police would show up at my door? Take away my Internet dating privileges?

Well, this is getting pretty long, but I would like to add some of the misrepresentations that I have come across in my search for my soul mate:

"I'm divorced" which means: but that doesn't mean I'm not married!

"I'm average build" which means: I'm fat.

"I'm Mediterranean" which means: I'm black.

"My friends say I'm outgoing" which means: I never stop taking about my lameassself!

The list goes on and on. And here are some of the things they write about themselves that I found humorous:

"I give back rubs." Great! If your a professional masseuse!

"I want to be with someone who's my best friend" Hey, I have plenty of best friends, that's not why I signed up for this!

"No game players!" I play chess, does that count me out??

"I know how to treat a woman/man." Then why in the hell are you on a dating website you jackass?

"I love watching sunsets on the beach" Now, hey that's unique, isn't it?

So, there you go, that's MY take on the whole online dating thing. My advice to anyone would be: put an unflattering picture of yourself on the site, but be totally honest and see what you get from all the people that say "beauty means nothing to me, it's what's inside that matters."

Yea right, you might as well fart and ask the person next to you to determine what you had for lunch.

As for me. I prefer to remain: SWF.

WHO LET THE DOG'S OUT?

2009-03-29T20:18:00.000-07:00

I was talking to my amazing sister-in-law this afternoon and we were discussing what I should write about in my blog since I am running out of ideas, as hard as that may seem to some people, as they might think I ALWAYS have something to say. But speaking one's mind is not the same as writing something that other people might enjoy or find interesting. Anyways........ she said to write something about my little buddy, Baxter. Yea, that's the handsome little fellow there on the left. My one, true blue little man that never fails to amuse me. Or love me. From the time I purchased him, for my daughter I might add, and has since become MY DOG, he has never ceased to amaze me, the vet, the cat, or anyone that meets him. My first big crisis with him was when he ate some of the potpourri that was on my coffee table. Unbeknownst to me, the little bugger could stand on his little spindly legs and reach far enough to get the dried delicatessen layed out before his little eyes and eat it! Well, all night long he proceeded to throw it up, until I could take no more of the little guy 's wrenching, so my daughter and I took him to our vet, only to be told that he had to stay overnight. I don't think the vet wanted to tell me how bad the situation really was, but long story short, he had to stay for a week, his little throat was burned so bad he couldn't, or worse wouldn't eat anything! But after much great care from our vet, Bax pulled out of it, lost alot of weight, but bounced back. Now, when we take him to the vet, Dr. Morse calls him the pot-pouri dog!

Speaking of bouncing back, my brother and that amazing sister-in-law watched him one weekend while I went out of town and not only did he take a giant LEAP off their deck, we're talking a high deck here people! My sister-in-law said he looked like a flying squirrel, legs all spread out, ears flapping as he dropped to the ground like a bowling ball, but he did it it again the next day! Only off a lower deck but straight onto concrete! So I don't think they'll be babysitting super dog again.

Probably the most entertaining thing he does, at least entertaining to me, is since I really don't know if dogs have a sense of time, but when he sees that the sun has gone down and he knows it's close to "bed time," he stands in the doorway of wherever you are, be it the living room, bedroom, wherever and stares at you, I'm talking death stare here, telling me that he wants to go to bed and why? Because he gets a treat when he goes to bed in his kennel. Aha! This might not seem funny when reading this, but you gotta see the intense stare that this little guy gives you, and he won't go away until he has accomplished what he wants. It all starts about 7 o'clock and he will continue until I am ready for him to go to bed, but it is quite hilarious to watch him. He is one zeroed in dog with only one thing on his radar screen!

I might add also, that he is quite the bird dog. Came home one afternoon and there was blue jay feathers all over my deck, and yes, what was left of a blue jay out on the yard, so I had to call the vet and tell him that the pot-pouri dog ate a bird and was he going to die from this. No. Thank god.

But I wasn't expecting any white poop either!

Well, better get going, I'm getting the stare as I type.

Pet this!!!!!!

2009-03-27T13:15:00.000-07:00

Stealing an idea from my daughter's blog, I thought I would write something about MY pet peeves. After all, everyone has them, kinda like the saying: "opinion's are like".....well, I won't go there, but you know where I was going!
I guess what made me think about pet peeves popped in my head as I was driving to work this morning, so here goes my list of pet peeves:
#1. -
People that don't turn off their blinkers! Are these people deaf AND dumb?? It's amazing to me that someone can drive for miles without noticing or hearing the constant click-click, click-click, click-click! If your that deaf, you should either turn your damn radio down, or you shouldn't be driving in the first place grandpa! And don't flip me off when I pull out in front of your ass and just about kill the both of us!
#2. -
People that call YOU on the phone and then proceed to carry on a conversation with, god knows who else... anyone standing within a few feet of them! My niece Kary is a pro at this! She can pull up to a fast food place, while talking to you on the cell and without missing a beat, put in her order, tell you how her inventory is going , order mustard on that burger, tell you what time Alissa's doctor appointment is and please add fries to her order. Jeeeeeeezzzzzzzz!
#3. - People that talk to you while your in another room! Or talk outloud all day long. (see my first blog entry!)
But this is about the people that talk to you, carry on a conversation knowing that your not even in the same room! They may even know that your in the basement and they still just keep talking, talking, talking. My mom, god love her, used to do this. I thought for the longest time that this was just part of growing old, but no! Some people just can't shut the f**k up!!!
#4. - Sniffing consistantly. I absolutely HATE THIS! Get a kleenex man! Blow that thing! Doesn't your head hurt after about 1000 sniffs?! Too bad it doesn't cave in!
#5. - And last but not least, and probably my biggest pet peeve, is having to wear a seat belt. This just totally IRKS me to no end. Hey, it's MY life we're talking about here. I am not endangering anyone else by not wearing my seat belt. Because I choose NOT to go down in a blaze of fire while still strapped in my car, should be MY choice, I paid for the car, I should be able to do what I want in MY car. Yes, I know what you'll say, but it's the law and it is for my own good and the government is just looking out for me! Ok, well, tell me why, then, school busses don't have seat belts? Yea, ok, smart one, answer that one! Tell me why the driver of that school bus is strapped in tighter than a man strapped to an electric chair but your children can be tossed around like that crumpled package that was delivered to me the other day, all torn up and damaged! Next they'll be telling us that we have to drive with both hands in the 10 and 2 position on the steering wheel, or we can't have our windows down because it might be too distracting or something might fly in the window and make us crash into something or someone. Do you get my picture here? So, maybe someone else's pet peeve is people writing about their pet peeves! I'm sure if I had more time I probably could go on and on, but just as another pet peeve I just thought of, I hate people that go on and on and on..............

Dirty,dirty, dirty.

2009-03-25T18:22:00.000-07:00

Ok, had a crappy day, shitier week (is that even a word? did I even spell it right?) oh well.....you get the drift. So I thought I would write about someone in my life, someone that has always been there for me (along with his amazing wife, but I'll get to her another time). I am talking about my bro. better known to some as the "trash Natzi"

I am serious here people. This guy can jump up from watching Discovery channel's Dirties Jobs, grab the trash bag and get it to the garage faster that Dale Jr.'s pit crew can change 2, yes 2 not 4 tires! What 's the big deal you say? Well, let me also say, that he can be outside, hosing down the driveway and hear an aluminum can hit the bottom of the bin and be on it in a flat 20 sec! "IF" there is ever a reality show that can showcase the wonderous feats of the average joe, let me know where I can sign him up! I would like to end, saying, all kidding aside, bla -bla -bla, but I am not kidding, he is without a doubt one of the most incredible people in my world, he is a keeper, helps me with whatever I need and I love him to pieces!

SideNote: Trashzilla is no relation to Rodan and any similarities is purely coincidental.

I am at a loss for words..........

2009-03-18T20:10:00.000-07:00

Unbelievable. Natasha Richardson. Unbelievable.

MORE CRAP TO PONDER..............

2009-03-17T20:14:00.001-07:00

Well, I survived the masses outside my office building today. [was it the birds or all the festivities from the St. Paddy's day parade?] BOTH!!! Seeing that I wasn't going to go out and partake in green beer, I decided to take my faithful little guy Baxter to the park, and, being that it was 80 degrees in March, I thought I'd better jump on it!
You would have thought he was at doggie
Disneyland! Which brings me to this observation.....why isn't there white dog poop anymore? I am being TOTALLY serious here folks. Where did it go? When I was a kid growing up, our super-smart border collie, Tippy always poo'd in one spot in the back yard, and you knew never, EVER, to throw the ball in "his" toilet area because he'd never fetch it! But, there, in the corner was the white dog poop! Yea, white dog poop! It always, eventually turned to powder and disappeared! And now, today, there is no white dog poop! None! Zilch. Nada. And what's even more amazing, there is a song about the disappearing white dog poop! Yes! Here it is: http://www.comedycentral.com/videos/index.jhtml?videoId=81034. I'm thinking about adding this to my song playlist, I'm so amazed! I think of all the things from the 70's that needs to be brought back is the white dog poop. It was truly, one of the amazing wonders of the world. What a shame that the kids today will never experience white dog poop.

So Sad.......

2009-03-17T11:14:00.001-07:00

I just heard that Liam Neeson's wife, Natasha Richardson is in critical condition after a skiing accident. I pray the she'll be alright.

PINCH ME AND I'LL PUNCH YOU!

2009-03-16T18:22:00.000-07:00

Well tomorrow's the big day. St.Patrick's day. A day of celebration, drink and camaraderie.

ca·ma·ra·de·rie
Pronunciation:
\ˌkäm-ˈrä-d(ə-)rē, ˌkam-, ˌkä-mə-, ˌka-, -ˈra-\
Function:
noun
1840
: a spirit of friendly good-fellowship

Or something like that. Being half Irish, on my father's side, I am proud of my heritage. But, just as I was curious about Christmas and how, being it is the birthday of Christ, where did Santa Claus played into Christmas? I am just as perplexed as to where leprechauns come into play with St. Patrick's day. So..............what do shamrocks and leprechauns have to do with St. Patrick’s Day? Well, the shamrock as an example of the holy trinity is said to have been created by St. Patrick himself so it makes sense that this would still be used as a symbol of remembrance today.
It is also said that St. Patrick had an uncle who was a leprechaun and that he was able to follow his uncles rainbow to find…that’s a lie. I’m lying.
It seems that countries other than Ireland such as America have taken all of the symbols that they associate with Ireland and have lumped them all together in one stereotypical holiday. BRILLIANT! I guess since there is a stereotype that Irish people are big drinkers is the reason why everyone sees St. Patrick’s Day as a day to tie one on and not feel guilty…we are just honoring St. Patrick after all. So, I guess I really haven't a clue about all this. I'm sure, tomorrow I can stop someone along the parade route and get an idea. Yea, right. But does it really matter? St. Paddy's is just a great excuse to take off work, go to no less than 10 bars, and get hammered!

So, I will leave you with this Irish limerick:

I drink to your health when I'm with you,

I drink to your health when I'm alone.

I drink to your health so often,

I'm starting to worry about my own!

COUNTING CROWS

2009-03-14T14:49:00.000-07:00

Ok, you know Spring has sprung when you look out your patio window and see a giant flock of crows in your tree. (Or is a it called a murder?)
What is a group of crows called?
In: Birds, Saltwater Fish [Edit categories]

[Edit]
Answer
A group of crows is called a murder, muster or storytelling of crows. The most widely used term is "murder."

Ok, a giant murder of crows. That's pretty creepy in itself. I find this sight very disturbing. I walk out of my office at 5:00 each day and I see them in the trees. Thousands of them. Just sitting there, looking down at you with their beady little eyes and their giant beaks. And....to top it off, watch this video that a friend sent me from youtube. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TtmLVP0HvDg. Ah-hu.. there you go!

It shows how intelligent these birds really are. And remember the Alfred Hitchcock movie, The Birds, holy moly! They pecked little children's eyes out! Once, a blue jay flew down on my dad's head and actually knocked him to the ground! Now, I, know, it wasn't a crow, but still! It was a large bird!

I think this all goes back to my childhood when, on Friday nights my brothers and I would watch the scarry night movie, and the hands down most frightning one to me? RODAN! Yep, there he is, just as I remember him, sitting on a building, ready to crash down on some poor innocent

victim! It's probably 5:00 where he's at. Dinner time.

NO STARBUCKS HERE!

2009-03-13T17:11:00.001-07:00

Holy Moly! Found this on Yahoo today. Wow, haven't I thought about doing this a time or to TO a boss or two! (what the hell did I just say?!) Anyways........wow. And this guy is a veteranarian! Could you imagine dropping little Fido off to have his ears cleaned only to pick him up later to find his balls cut off! Wow! I think this gal has been smelling too much kitty urine!

Police: Woman drugs boss's coffee so he'll 'chill

1 hr 53 mins ago
BRYANT, Ark. – Police said a woman has been arrested for allegedly slipping some tranquilizers into her boss's coffee because she felt "he needed to chill out." Police said the 24-year-old woman admitted to detectives that she slipped the drugs into veteranarian John Duckett's drink. Officers said Duckett knew something was wrong shortly after drinking some of the coffee Tuesday morning.
Officers said the woman cleaned the cages at the the Reynolds Road Animal Clinic.
A judge set bond at $25,000 Friday and a jailer said the woman was still being held Friday. Her next court appearance is scheduled for April 21.

STRANGE......

2009-03-13T09:06:00.000-07:00

I found this weird cartoon-thingy on another blog . What the hell is this? It was on a Japanese blog. Is this what the bees in Japan look like? If so, man I don't ever want to visit there! They look like some kind of mutant bees . And what is that big black thing? This is really freaking me out! Maybe, someone had way too much saki! I wonder if , when they scroll through the blogs like I do, if they came across my blog, would they think it was weird? At least my cartoon doesn't have strange looking things!
I ought to leave a comment on their blog letting them know what I think of it. Wouldn't that be funny?
I ought to get back to work....................

LOVE HURTS.

2009-03-11T19:14:00.001-07:00

Why is it that people have to say hurtful things? Do we think by saying mean things that it will get our point across? It does work, but at what cost? Can you ever really say a horrific thing to someone and then take it back? Personally, I don't think so. I am the first to admit that I have said things that I wish I could take back. Too late. Damage done. What if, it was to the most important person in your world? Words are either like honey, sweet, thick and soothing or like vomit... stinky, messy and gross. Unfortunatley, I threw up today.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO KARY!

2009-03-09T20:54:00.000-07:00

Today was my niece Kary's birthday. Happy Birthday Kary! I forgot to get you a card, but I got you something better, a picture of that hot Liam Neeson! Yes sireeeee, he is one hot nombre! There may be 8 years difference between us, but we certainly have the same taste when it comes to men. Or do we really? There was that guy that you dated a while back, that had a mullet and still drove a purple gremlin. You know who I'm talking about, wasn't his name Verl? He lived in that little house behind his mother in Butler? And whatever happened to Richie? He thought he could make $1000 a week by stuffing envelopes. I think he's still holed up somewhere, well, stuffing envelopes! And who could forget about Bernie! He could do the best chicken impersonation you ever saw! Well, at least we agree on Liam. Shoot, I'd challange you to a mud wrestling fight over him! By the way, didn't you & Verl do that already?

~*::><::*~love ya Kary! Happy Birthday!

OTIS! TAKE NOTE!

2009-03-07T13:31:00.000-08:00

I found this and it is quite apropos that 1. I have a cat and 2. every damn picture in my house is crooked! I wonder if I could get Otis to do this?

Maybe OCD stands for OtisConnivingDevil kitty! I know there's more than a few out there that think that of my darling kitty. But hey, give him a break. How would you be if you were dropped from a 2nd story hall to the living room below!? Thanks to my daughter's good friend Bret. He can however, put out a sound that can rival Regan in the Exorcist! I've seen more than one boy jump for cover when they came to close to him!

You go OCD kitty Otis!

R.I.P. Sprint!

2009-03-06T22:32:00.000-08:00

Someone, my good friend Greg the 71 sniper, sent me this. It's no wonder Sprint is going down the shit hole with their lame ass commercials! Hell, they're so broke they have to get their CEO to make commercials! Anywhoooo........I thought this was great!
Enjoy!
http://jfsdaily.com/?p=638

WTF?!

2009-03-06T20:28:00.000-08:00

Ever had one of thoses days where you would like to do this to someone? Well, today was just that kind of day for me! I swear I could have switched a glue stick with my co-worker's lipstick if I thought I could get away with it.

Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't like "D", but she talks out loud not just some of the time, but ALL of the time!

But then, maybe it was just because here in good ole' Miz-or-ri, we were having exceptionally great weather today and I wanted to go outside and play. Anything other than listening to her go on and on about how overwhelmed she is.
good god, put a sock in it already!